Do
- Do call and check in with me every few days, especially the first six months.
- Do offer to help and be as specific as possible. Tell me what you would like to help us with (errands, home maintenance, meal preparation, etc.) and what times work for you.
- Do offer to babysit or help carpool if I have kids at home.
- Do help me find qualified professionals to help make big decisions/actions.
- Do assist with problem solving such as car repair, home repair, choosing a lawn service, etc.
- Do research, provide qualified options and give me your opinion, but allow me to make the final decision.
- Do offer to accompany me to appointments and places that may be difficult for me to go to alone.
- Do watch my physical appearance and go shopping with me for a new outfit when my size changes.
- Do encourage me to get the help I need, which may include support groups or counseling.
- Do be forgiving, loving and empathetic.
- Do give me extra grace as the whole world has shifted under me.
- Do show me compassion and care, and realize that I am very vulnerable right now.
- Do stand with me and encourage me as I venture into the world again.
- Do help me to believe in myself. It’s hard but I can do this.
- Do keep loving and praying for me.
- Do follow through and do whatever you tell me you are going to.
Don't
- Don’t be afraid to tell me that you have no idea what to say.
- Don’t say you know exactly what I am going through.
- Don’t be afraid to give me a hug.
- Don’t tell me I am strong; it shuts me down from sharing what is really going on and makes me feel like I have to do everything alone.
- Don’t assume I will call when I need help with something. Be proactive and offer to help with specific tasks or offer a specific timeslot when you can help out.
- Don’t be afraid to mow my lawn or clear the snow from my driveway.
- Don’t avoid talking about my husband. I love to hear stories about him.
- Don’t take it personally if I forget birthdays, appointments, etc.
- Don’t be afraid to include me in get-togethers where other couples will be present.
- Don’t ask how I am unless you would like an honest answer.
- Don’t expect me to help you deal with your grief as I can barely handle my own.
- Don’t judge that I am grieving too much or too little.
- Don’t be discouraged if your offer to help is met with a “no.” Keep contacting and keep visiting.
- Don’t wait for someone else to step up. If you can do it, do it! And do it now.
- Don’t assume things are better just because months have gone by. Grieving is a long process.
- Don’t take my depression and negativism personally. Continue to love me unconditionally and consistently. Be present and available.
